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5/29/06 08:27 pm

One thing I have come to realize is there's a first for everything...
Ok, obviously, not as deep as I thought, but really...everything

First day of school
First best friend
First crush
First slow dance
First KISS
First time
First HEARTBREAK
First break down
First BREAK UP

It's all inevitable, everyone goes through it. No matter how much you think "that won't happen to me", it will, and it won't be easy.

Something I've learned is I can dream and fantasise about him saying this beautiful speach about how he's sorry all I want, but it wont happen. He'll show up unannounced at my door, tell me he loves me and always did, and pull me in for a kiss. This goes through my mind atleast five times a day. I know I have to stop, but I'm not quite ready to let go of that hope yet. We can never be anything more than friends, for now.

I'm getting better everyday, but I'm so bad, I have a plan to get him back

I need to let go.....

5/28/06 08:51 pm

I never expected this to happen, not with Eric, not with Amélie.

She kissed him, no, she did more than just kiss him. She calls me the next morning saying she had bad news, and I knew right away. I knew what she had done, because I never really trusted her in that way. My parents were near by, so no matter how strong the tears were, I had no choice but to hold them back. She said that it wasn't just something stupid, she actually liked him. I meditated on that and came to this conclusion:

How could she have fallen for him when the only time she knew him was when he was with me, when I had already fallen for him. Me, her best friend. How could she genuinely have feelings for someone her best friend of 3 years starting a relationship with. I wouldn't even be capable of feelings for that person, ever. Because I would know it would create so many problems between her and I.

People are telling me that I should be upset with him, but how could I? He wasn't my boyfriend, so I can't see he cheated. I spoke with him and I know he feels horrible about what he did to me. It was so hard on me, and he knew it.

This happened last Saturday, I found out Sunday morning, and went to Steph's house Sunday afternoon and night. Steph told me all these things that made me realize that I couldn't fix things with Eric, and it would make it harder to do so with Amélie. She told me all the details and that it wouldn't surprise her if they went out. So basicly, I cried the whole time I was there.

Amélie came over a little later to talk, and I stopped crying. I just wasn't able to cry infront of her, I don't know why, but something in my subconcious made me stop as soon as she arrived. I told her straight up, if she went out with him, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Emotionaly mostly, but I wouldn't be able to see her with him, it would really kill me. This is what she said to me:

"So you're saying that if I go out with him, you would sacrifice our friendship for that?"
But what she just doesn't understand is that it's her choice, she would be the one sacrificing something, not me.

She slept over at Steph's that night and I went home at 11pm, Eric had called and I told him I would call when I got home. (In case you're wondering, we had no school Monday, Queen's birthday) I really wanted to talk to him before Amélie did, after all, I thought I deserved that. But I couldn't even have that, becasue when I called him, he put me on hold because he got another call. I only found out a couple days later that it was Amélie. Anyways, he told me he was sorry he had led me on, and that he didn't think we would be anything serious. Then we were silent, not awkwardly, but a 'nothing has to be said' kind of silence.

I asked him what he was going to do, and he said he felt something for her, and my heart stopped. He asked me what I was doing the next day, and we decided to meet.

I called him next morning to wake him up, but he wasn't there. I called Steph's, he had spent the night! Him, Amélie, Steph, and Steph St-Louis(she got there 20min after I left).
Steph said even after so much fighting with Amélie, she could'nt keep her from sleeping where Erci was. After that, I felt no need to be fair with her, look at what she was doing to everyone around her.

So Monday, it was me, Steph St-Louis and Eric. All in all, I had a good time, but things I needed to say, just couldn't come out. Not with Steph St-Louis there, I barely know her, and certainly not after finding out he had spent the night with Amélie.

Tuesday at school was ok I guess, acting like nothing happened is pretty much my thing. People always go along with it. All week it was like pretty much nothing happened, well, when it was just me and Amélie anyways. I'm feeling better, and I'm done crying, besides, I think she decided to back off of him.

Something I wanted to ask her, but I just don't have the balls to:

"You say you really like Eric, well so do I, I might even have loved him at some point. I was seeing him, and I had this feeling that it would have been official between us in a couple days. What made you think that you could take that away from me, your best friend. Why did you think it was just for you to steal it away, that you deserved it more than I did. What gave you the right to think that you deserved that happiness more than the one person that has always been there for you."

Eric told me we could still be friends, but my feelings for him are still very strong. I don't know how I can deal...

Something I thought of Wednesday:

The way I see it, I haven't lost. I may have lost part of a strong friendship, and the guy I had the strongest feelings for, ever, but I didn't loose. The day I truly loose this battle with the pain, is the day I let one of them see me cry.

5/18/06 07:35 pm - things are going well...

OK, I didn't say it last time I think, but that guy's name is Eric.
I can't stop thinking about him, as I said before, I want this to get serious.

I went out to diner with him last Saturday, it was great, although I was a little selfconsious about my braces, but he didn't make it worse. We then went to his friend's, Marty's house, where my friend Amélie joined a little later. We had so much fun, got a little drunk, which I shouldn't be proud of. Eric and I probably went a little further then I would have let happen if I was completly sober. But I wasn't embarrassed at all when I saw him again, I didn't feel uncomfortable, just happy to see him. That's how I knew there was really something between us.

I see him everyday at school and I wish I could just...

I'm going to see Pilate at the Canadian Tulip Festival tomorrow, it's going to be great if it doesn't rain. Marty's gonna be there, and Val, this random girl he's going to prom with.

PS: If you don't know the story behind the Canadian Tulip Festival, or the reason for it, look it up, it's such a beautiful story.

PPS: OK so braces aren't so bad, I know I'll be happy when I get them off in 2 years and have beautiful teeth.........ouais champoin! lmao valé!

5/11/06 08:09 pm - many things have changed

Haven't updated in quite a while, but I really have so much to say.

First, I went to my friend's sweet 16 party last Friday. It was great, and I know she had a really awesome time. I was surprised that she wanted me to come because I hadn't spoken to her in a while. We were best friends from 1st to 7th grade, then we drifted apart, you know how it goes. Now in 10th, sure I say HI to her in the halls, but really nothing more. It's kind of nice to have her around again.

I met a guy there too. He goes to my school and I had seen him around before, but I didn't know him. My friend Steph told me he was drunk, so I wasn't shy at all to go flirt with him, just like I thought, he didn't hate it. It was all a good time, I added him on MSN and I talked to him at school. We did something Wednesday after school, I didn't want it to end. He is just so funny, sweet, and adorably attractive. Only thing is, he's 2years older, and graduating in a month. It's no biggy cause he's taking a year off to work, so atleast he'll be in town. I really want this to get serious, I never felt this way about someone before, and I've liked alot-a-guys...ask anyone! I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but everyone keeps saying that we would go so well together. Ofcourse, I can't halp but agree;)

I spoke with my parents, and it doesn't seem to bother them. Any of it, especially his age. I was so scared they would freak about it.

So we're just gonna have to wait and see, Saturday we're suppost to go out. I am so giddy, oh my God I feel like such a little nerd with a crush. But for the first time in a while, I know those feelings are being returned to me.

Total side track right now: I've had braces on for about 4 hours and 27 minutes, and I've come to the conclusion that it sucks ball. It sucks filthy, rinkly balls!

Anyways, hope you had a week as great as mine!

4/15/06 02:35 pm - late update

I was just reading a post I made earlier about the Much Music VJ Search and I just thought I'd randomly summarize the finale, just to keep me busy.

The Final Four were Erik, Nikki, Sean and Tim(the wildcard). The outcome was determined totaly by the viewers, who voted online or by text message for their favorite VJ wannabe.

Of course, Erik was the first to leave with the least amount of votes. So, bye! The look on his face was so priceless.

Nikki then left, putting her in third place.

Of course Norm had to pimp his new site, which is pretty boring and I dont see the point for it. Then he sang the song he wrote bashing all the judges, but he changed it for TV, so now its sugar and spice.

OK, Sean and Tim are the final two, my heart is pounding so hard. Sean grabs onto Tim and addresses the studio audience: "Ladies, I would like to point out that I'm holding Tim and you aren't."

Right after that I decided that Sean was my new immaginary gay boyfriend.

Deanna opens the envoloppe: "And the new Much Music VJ is........TIM DEAGAN!"

...and confetti confetti!

Everyone misses Sean so much....PS: I voted for Sean...

4/11/06 08:26 pm - crying has become my hobby

One more day and I cant take it...

My mother sometimes speaks to me like she always expects the worst from me
When Ive done nothing but try and gain back her trust
I cant talk to her about certain things because its too soon
Crying doesnt help at all, Ive come to see that recently
Writing does though, writing what happened
Because a stranger could understand so much better
Than if I tried to explain everything to her, when it ends up coming out wrong
Misunderstandings are the worst, they make us feel so confused
And she misunderstands me, I feel cornered and stupid

When does it get easier?

4/6/06 03:40 pm - cry myself to sleep

Today my heart was broken into a thousand pieces. Sure what does an only child from the suburbs know about misery, more than you think. Over the years, I've come to realize that most of it, I bring upon myself, but not this time.

She says she wants to change schools and she expected us to be supportive of it. She would rather leave a mediocre school and start all over for only two years, than tough it and stay with her best friends for the two last years of high school. Which really are the most important. Here are the reasons she wants to change:

At this new school:

1-everyone is friendly
2-there arent any clique problems
3-the teachers are easier graders
4-the school is cleaner
5-the dress code isnt as tough

We said:

1-we're not friendly enough for you?
2-neither are there here, just indentifiable groups of friends
3-it has nothing to do with the teachers, you could do just as well if you fuckin studied for once
4-of course it is, ours was built in the early 70's, this one's 2 years old
5-newsflash: we havent been in trouble for going against the dress code all year, only the niners do!

These five arguments deffinatly arent good reasons to leave us. The reason this hurt us so much is that we never in a million years expected her to come up with something like that. If it would have been Gabrielle, we wouldnt have been surprised, right Steph? And you, if you happen to come accross this journal and you are reading this, I hope you realize what you have done. What you said today hurt us all, and you resent us for the way we reacted. Did you really expect us to be happy you didnt even care that you are barely ever going to see us anymore? I know we can see eachother on weekends and all that crap, but we all know that it will never be the same. You said its only 80% sure, well I homestly hope it goes way down.

Now we need to keep this bottled up because you get upset when we say how we feel. "Well say all you want, I still want to change schools" was the worst thing you ever could have said to us. I hope you can see that someday. I want you to know how much you have hurt us, and when everything was resolved and we could all see eachother again. Who did you ever think we could take this well!

I'm thinking maybe I should send this to you and make you read it. I probably wont.

Dropping a bomb on us was very selfish when you dont even know if its happening or not. And two days before we go to Montreal together! I need to talk to you about it but how can I do so without you getting upset and ruinning the whole trip? I cant, there is no way. But now I've said enough to start to cry, which I almost did right infront of you.

We all love you so much Amélie...why?

4/3/06 09:21 pm - one more before the bed bugs bite...

I was just browsing the communities and I thought maybe I should just say a few things before anything is assumed...
Oui, I also have memberships on buzznet and friendsorenemies and soon myspace
Oui, I act immature and wild on those and I'm all deep on here

The truth is I just want to get out some intellectuality thats been all bottled up for so long...

I like Fall Out Boy and Panic!...Big Macs and Kit Kats, and if you want I can like you too=D

There are two sides to evryone and I believe I have proven that very well.

**singing songs about hips and hearts**

4/3/06 07:48 pm - another happy day

Wow, Saturday was really amazing. It's too bad that Erin couldnt be there but we still had a good time.
Who knew twirling and getting dizzy compitions could be so entertaining? Things like that are always fun when your with good friends. I realized I barely had pictures of friends in my room so that got me feeling all creative. I cant begin to describe how relieved I feel now that I can see friends, do all kinds of special tricks. =D

On a lighter note:
Tim Deegan was the wildcard on The VJ Search--I voted for him!
But I'm going to be completly honest, I am voting for Sean. Its about time that people can be completly honest and open and OK with homosexuality. If you disagree than hurry up and jump into 2006.
Kardi and Robin were wrong before, Much Music IS ready for Sean...thats why I'm voting for him.

Oui, that was random
Oui, I believe he can win
Oui, I will watch even more because he's on
Non, I'll be upset if Erik wins
Oui, Frank was right, Erik is fake

Listen carefully
Watch carefully
Be media litterate

Good night and sweet dreams for sweet kids

4/1/06 02:20 pm - what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

Finaly, I am no longer being held captive because of my actions. I am free to fly and scream at the top of my lungs if I really wanted to. To be completely honest, I would of liked to have gone to the movies or a party instead of McDonald's...but if I am with my closest friends, it makes no difference. Taking a camera along always makes things a little more interresting. I am always wanting to keep memories of quite random moments. But arent those really the best kind? Its going to be strange for a while, getting back into the natural flow of things. But I cant lie, it does feel good!

Mental note:
Being grounded sucks, so don't.
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