5/28/06 08:51 pm
I never expected this to happen, not with Eric, not with Amélie.
She kissed him, no, she did more than just kiss him. She calls me the next morning saying she had bad news, and I knew right away. I knew what she had done, because I never really trusted her in that way. My parents were near by, so no matter how strong the tears were, I had no choice but to hold them back. She said that it wasn't just something stupid, she actually liked him. I meditated on that and came to this conclusion:
How could she have fallen for him when the only time she knew him was when he was with me, when I had already fallen for him. Me, her best friend. How could she genuinely have feelings for someone her best friend of 3 years starting a relationship with. I wouldn't even be capable of feelings for that person, ever. Because I would know it would create so many problems between her and I.
People are telling me that I should be upset with him, but how could I? He wasn't my boyfriend, so I can't see he cheated. I spoke with him and I know he feels horrible about what he did to me. It was so hard on me, and he knew it.
This happened last Saturday, I found out Sunday morning, and went to Steph's house Sunday afternoon and night. Steph told me all these things that made me realize that I couldn't fix things with Eric, and it would make it harder to do so with Amélie. She told me all the details and that it wouldn't surprise her if they went out. So basicly, I cried the whole time I was there.
Amélie came over a little later to talk, and I stopped crying. I just wasn't able to cry infront of her, I don't know why, but something in my subconcious made me stop as soon as she arrived. I told her straight up, if she went out with him, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Emotionaly mostly, but I wouldn't be able to see her with him, it would really kill me. This is what she said to me:
"So you're saying that if I go out with him, you would sacrifice our friendship for that?"
But what she just doesn't understand is that it's her choice, she would be the one sacrificing something, not me.
She slept over at Steph's that night and I went home at 11pm, Eric had called and I told him I would call when I got home. (In case you're wondering, we had no school Monday, Queen's birthday) I really wanted to talk to him before Amélie did, after all, I thought I deserved that. But I couldn't even have that, becasue when I called him, he put me on hold because he got another call. I only found out a couple days later that it was Amélie. Anyways, he told me he was sorry he had led me on, and that he didn't think we would be anything serious. Then we were silent, not awkwardly, but a 'nothing has to be said' kind of silence.
I asked him what he was going to do, and he said he felt something for her, and my heart stopped. He asked me what I was doing the next day, and we decided to meet.
I called him next morning to wake him up, but he wasn't there. I called Steph's, he had spent the night! Him, Amélie, Steph, and Steph St-Louis(she got there 20min after I left).
Steph said even after so much fighting with Amélie, she could'nt keep her from sleeping where Erci was. After that, I felt no need to be fair with her, look at what she was doing to everyone around her.
So Monday, it was me, Steph St-Louis and Eric. All in all, I had a good time, but things I needed to say, just couldn't come out. Not with Steph St-Louis there, I barely know her, and certainly not after finding out he had spent the night with Amélie.
Tuesday at school was ok I guess, acting like nothing happened is pretty much my thing. People always go along with it. All week it was like pretty much nothing happened, well, when it was just me and Amélie anyways. I'm feeling better, and I'm done crying, besides, I think she decided to back off of him.
Something I wanted to ask her, but I just don't have the balls to:
"You say you really like Eric, well so do I, I might even have loved him at some point. I was seeing him, and I had this feeling that it would have been official between us in a couple days. What made you think that you could take that away from me, your best friend. Why did you think it was just for you to steal it away, that you deserved it more than I did. What gave you the right to think that you deserved that happiness more than the one person that has always been there for you."
Eric told me we could still be friends, but my feelings for him are still very strong. I don't know how I can deal...
Something I thought of Wednesday:
The way I see it, I haven't lost. I may have lost part of a strong friendship, and the guy I had the strongest feelings for, ever, but I didn't loose. The day I truly loose this battle with the pain, is the day I let one of them see me cry.